I make people prove themselves to me, with money, food, time, feelings. You must love me exactly the way I want. In turn, I feel like I have to be a certain way to be loved. It has been hard for me to see others as separate from me. Part of that is being an identical twin. It has taken me longer to grow up. I am growing and learning to be Eve.
I decided this year to stop pushing myself into my constant dance of doing and give myself time to: sit with me, learn about me and maybe even learn to trust me. Wow, what a concept! I can trust and even like me. But it takes some commitment, showing up for me and not everybody else. Maybe if I give myself a break from being a certain way. I can give others a break.
Taking care of everybody else even if they didn’t need or want my help comes naturally to me. I think in my head “Let me help you?! No!!! Let me help you? “No!”
I would hear I don’t need anything from you or I don’t love you I don’t care about you….or you are unlovable.” The worst!!! Feels like bumper cars.
I don’t hear “I am not interested or I am ok I don’t need your help but I would like your company.”
Someone really seeing me scares the shit out of me. Its also what I long for the most.
My idea of love pushes back and teaches me to stop and listen to my own heart. I need to just stop running from my feelings, running from myself, running from my own life..
All about Love is a creative looking at my almost 50 years on the planet. Twenty-five years of writing and creative exploration is in here.. I thought I had worked through this stuff in graduate school 20+ years ago. It’s a life-long dance.
To tell my story I combined writing from Born In Relationship, Homes, Letting Go/ Going On and Opening New Doors. Born In Relationship comes from my Master’s Thesis about how being a twin impacts my relationship with myself and others. Homes is a look at my search for home. Letting Go/ Going On describes healing from sexual assault. Opening New Doors is a a collection of poetry of a journey from fear to love and more.
All About Love is my personal journey but pulls on universal themes of connection, identity, love, freedom, loneliness and choice.
As you read All About Love, ask yourself what does love look like for you? How can you love yourself more?