Somehow I survived my childhood. There was something in me that was strong enough to get through..to know I could….I was a hopeful child and good at my coping mechanism of leaving my body ….when I was scared…
I was thinking about all the things I went through before I was twelve..I don’t think I had a normal childhood.
Birth was seven weeks early…separated from my twin and mom for a month
At 5 years old bad car accident in which we had three ties explode out on the highway. My bleeding dad pulled us all out by the window. I was very fond of my father.
At nine beaten up by my parents during a long hot car ride…felt like I had to comfort my mother and first time remembering leaving my body.
At ten I was attacked by a teenager boy who held a knife to my throat and threatened to killed me if I screamed and tried to get away..I did just that and ran away…he grabbed Laura who came back to try to protect me. She got away too. Dad chased this stupid ass down the alley with an ax. Luckily he didn’t catch him but the police did. We were not alone there were numerous girls this guy attacked.
Somewhere in there, I got hit in the head with a baseball bat. Not sure my age.I was back catcher and got to close to my friend. I remember a lot of blood and got eleven stitches. Mom held my hand.
I started therapy at age eleven. I was having night terrors. I had repeated dreams about a group of farmers who passed judgement on me and were there to kill me. I would have this dream and literally run screaming from my bed..I broke a few doors . Dad had found a job in Akron and was commuting back and forth from there on the weekends. I didn’t feel safe with out him.
At twelve we moved to Akron. When we drove in the first things I noticed..how green the lawns were and how white the people. I was a big city girl and sensitive to boot. Junior high school at Litchfield in Akron..I began my career in being bullied. Not sure why. Could have been that I didn’t wash my hair everyday or I didn’t wear designer clothes. I remember crying a lot in 7th grade and Mrs. Szucks saying if you didn’t cry..they would stop. I tried…It would have been nice if you had done your job and intervened. I remember trying to get out of 7th grade choir saying I wasn’t feeling well because of the bullying. I remember returning from the guidance counselor’s office to a whole chorus of “Eve is woozy.” I wished I had laughed instead of taking it so personally. I spent alot of time at the guidance counselor’s office trying to go home. I survived somehow…for a reason.
That was just my childhood. The more challenging parts. There was something in me that wanted to keep going. I did. Can you see why it has been a challenge for me to feel safe in my body??