Not Five Anymore

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Stalking is cute when you are five but not when you are almost  50.  I used to be the girl who would chase cute boys around the playground at recess.Later I would get serious crushes but never really act on it in high school. I  deep down didn’t feel like I was loveable only that I was loving..and loving people that were just out of reach.

Had an anxious attachment or depdendent attachment with my mother. Felt rejected by my Mother as a little one and my father as a teenaer. Both parents aknowleged what happened later and apologized but a pattern was already  set in motion . A life time of codepedency and hurt was born. All I wanted was love and attention. Tried so hard to be good to be noticed..to prove I was loveable. Sucked really.

I have a nasty habit of having an  all-comsuming crush on someone and then pursuing their friend. It happened in high school once, then later in my twenties after graduate school. I convinced myself that I loved a lovely man from South Africa, but ? when he didn’t reciprocate I started dating his good friend. What was up with that? The other lovely man and I dated for a year. And I continued to have a crush on the first one. I even went to visit him after he moved. Something could have  happened berween us,(briefly perhaps) but I stopped myself. I was really confused. I think I have been very confused about Love all my life and what I want or need. Botton line I have been looking outside of myself for Love.

My my ex-husband was into another woman at the time we met, and yet I still pursued him. I wanted to be with someone. He made me laugh. He liked to swim and take long walks on the beach. He seemed to know things, he seemed in control. I gave up my power with him. There  were moments when  we loved. Grateful for those moments and having the opportunity to start an arts nonprofit org. Been divorced for thirteen years.

In my forties, I loved a man for ten years. I knew he loved me back. I learned about unconditional love from him. Many times he pursued other women. I reached a point when I realized the relationship was hurtful and codependent for me and  I pulled away from him. I still cared for him from a distance up until his death.

I feel things deeply. Sometimes I feel numb, sometimes I pretend not to care, but I do.I do care.

I also  get involved with people and projects that I feel are bigger than me.Brings  a sense of meaning (again outside of myself.) like nonprofits, art galleries and community organizations. I like to be of service and dig my teeth into something that matters.  Usually the guys I’ve hooked up with are visionaries….forces of nature to make  new things happen. Maybe I am the visionary. I make stuff happen too.

This year, I acted sort of stalkerish. Felt a familiar feelings. I believed myself to have fallen inlove with a talented, real and inspiring  guy. I felt giddy and tingly when I would see him and be with him. It was a crush. The idea of him made me feel Sparkly. For a week I couldn’t stop smiling.

I was trying to let go of two other men.

I was running from the one who I loved for ten years who was dying . The second man I used to get out of that long term relationship. With both of these men, I found myself giving and giving. I needed to escape. Just stop. Something different.

The brand new guy, he told me I was ” awesome, rocked. and that I was beautiful”  I ate that stuff up. I wrote many poems. I felt  inspired  to gush, cry and dream.

But was it Love?

Maybe.  Sure there was chemistry on both side….

He thought of me slightly staukerish.I don’t blame him. I was. I don’t like  that part of me.

A few days after we messed around a little, I showed up at a meeting for an open mic that he frequented. It freaked him out. I told myself I did this because I wanted to be apart of a writing/creative community.(Over the next year I grew to be an active and loyal part of this community.) If I were honest with myself I was driven to see him again. Couldn’t just let go and let things happen naturally. This is Codepency..Roaring its ugly head. Once, he put out on social media that he was injured and I felt compelled to show up at his place with food. “Stop Eve”, I would tell myself, but I did it anyway.

There was another guy  who for fourteen years made me feel weak in the knees and a butterflies whenever I saw him. I described him as a cool drink of water. Refreshing for my Soul too. I watched him grow into a man of heart and wisdom. We had some moments over those years, conversations that changed my thinking and made me more expansive…open to learning more about God and myself.

These two were buddies. It gets a little more crazy right about now. I messed around with both of them. No sexual intercourse but touching and sharing enegy. At some point I thought that the first guy sent the second guy to me. In my mind, we had this unspoken understanding. I think that may have just been my delusional thinking. Not sure why. I did this…on some level it felt good. Somehow I convinced myself that they both cared for me.

Liked the playful flirting and my body liked the touching. I could let go alittle bit.

I was learning about how ro feel  Love but not have that Love be about  a particular person. Still learning this lesson. I think it comes back to Self-Love.

I liked the attention, two beautiful men in my apartment..not at the same time.  A fantasy come true. I have been celibate for way to long.

The shit really hit the fan in my brain anyway, when I saw those two had a private meeting. I was convinced that they were talking about me and I proceeeded to have a panic attack. Not a good sign of health.

Today neither of these men are much in my life. One moved far away and the other has moved on to greener pastures. I am grateful to them for teachimg me more about myself and Love. The experiences were healing.

So I am learning. I continue to learn and Love…learning to Love myself more really everyday and about that I feel more hopeful. Trying not to judge or beat myself. Just trying to understand this pattern and to let it go.

The reason for starting this blog  six months ago was to learn and understand more about myself and Love and the way I show up for Love or not. Wanted to be more intentional about looking inside for answers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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